1. Ice cold filtered water may just be the most satisfying drink. Ever.
2. Ice cold Diet Coke comes in a close second.
3. I love my job. Yes, there are days when I want to scream at the inanity of some administration decisions, but for the most part, my daily interactions with my students are so wonderful. I had one former student contact me to thank me for teaching him so well; he said that I taught him history so well he doesn’t actually have to study for his freshman history class! I had another former student contact me, I was the only teacher he contacted, to attend a student film festival in which he had a short clip. I’d always supported his film making in my class, allowing him to complete projects on film and making sure I got his autograph for when he’s the next Steven Speilberg. I was so honored that he thought to invite me. At the film screening he smiled real big when he saw me and said, “Hello!” Some of my current 8th graders said, “We don’t want to graduate, we don’t want to leave you, can’t you come teach at the high school?” Some 7th graders said, “We want you to get your baby, but at the same time we don’t, ’cause we want you here for our 8th grade year next year!” I love my job, this I know.
What I don’t know: can I be home with my child and not miss work? Can I give up my honors classes which I probably won’t get back when I return after family leave? Can I leave my kids who I loop with, to “someone else”? Can I give up the daily joy I get from teaching? Will I be bored home with an infant? And then I panic the other way-how can I go back to work at all? How can I leave my child to be raised by someone else? Isn’t raising my kid the most important job I’ll ever have? Can we afford to have me home for awhile and pay out of pocket for health insurance?
4. My friends at work, Jenn, Andrew, Jessica, Jaime, Brian, are amazing. I truly feel like I have a “work family” with them, we are so involved with each other’s lives and so supportive of each other. Will our friendships fade away when I’m home with my kid?
5. I want a baby. So much sometimes it hurts. Today I was shopping in Target and almost started crying in the baby section. This I know. And this I don’t know: will I be a good mother? How can I ensure that my kid is happy, well-adjusted, brilliant, athletic, plays an instrument, popular, healthy? How do I actually raise an actual human from an amorphous baby to a fully functioning and functional adult? Can I really do this? My mind swirls with “I want to make sure my child…..” fill in the blank with anything from “eats only organic foods” to “is on a sports team in school” to “is involved with youth group at church”.
So, yes, I want a baby so much my arms ache, yet I’m also terrified of it, and for that, am grateful for this adoption wait; this time to truly grasp what is in front of Art and I; to truly appreciate sleeping late and lazy Sundays while I can.
6. 19 days of work left.
7. Im jonsing for a vacation. I know I just went on a cruise in March, but I’ve got the summer itch to see new places, stay in hotels, and just be somewhere else.
8. I’m so behind in my scrapbooking, it’s not even funny. I just can’t get motivated to work on pages. What’s up with that?
9. Watching Art’s desire to be a daddy is so beautiful; he’s my rock, my constant. He is going to just fall in love with our baby completely and totally the first time he holds him/her and that baby is going to wrap him around their little finger. And he will love it.
10. Will I love my child? What if I can’t feel anything? What if my heart closes down to protect myself from hurt?
11. I love my church.
12. This I know: I will not stand down. I say NO to all the crap the enemy is throwing at me, at us over the last few years. I say NO to giving up, giving in. I say NO to despair. I say NO to resingnation. I say NO to pessimism. I say NO, you can’t knock us down or hurt this marriage. I say NO to the deaths, the infertility, the robbery, the adoption scam. I say NO. I WILL have JOY ALWAYS.
13. I am thrilled to have off tomorrow and sleep late.
Annie
3 Comments
May 27, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Ice cold water is the Best!
I have had similar fears about motherhood. I think all women do esp when they just want the best for their child. I am also wondering how I will be able to return to work once we have a child. I know I will do it and I can. I love my job…but I know I will not want to miss a second of my child’s life.
You are a strong woman and in a strong marriage, the enemy will always look for a way to chip away at your armor but you will always prevail because you are a woman of faith, a sister in Christ and He will always carry you.
May 28, 2008 at 2:51 pm
That’s a lot of thoughts going on in your head. So similar to myself and probably lots of women.
You’ll be a wonderful mother. You want it so badly that there is no way you won’t be. But I will say this, I don’t think you can ever be totally prepared. I was shocked when we brought Isabel home because I felt so unprepared. But you’re already reading the books. I had started but life got crazy and I was never able to finish.
I also shut down emotionaaly when we received the call until we brought her home. Don’t feel bad if it happens. You’ll get there.
Holding a marriage together is hard during a long wait for something you both want. But you seem so determined and have God on your side.
May 29, 2008 at 1:45 pm
God will take care of all the unknowns. All you can do is your best, right? Well, your best with God’s help. There are no guarantees about how your kids will turn out, but if you do what God wants and raise them up in the way they should go, He has promised that they won’t turn from that way when they’re older. One of the cooler Bible promises, I think. And ultimately, more important than whether or not LittleGuy or LittleGirl plays an instrument. *grin* Not that this isn’t a very important thing, too!
Love ya, Sistah!
Min