Hey everyone: For design reasons I am moving this blog back to it’s original space. You can come read me at www.pinklinechaser.blogspot.com

Annie

1. Ice cold filtered water may just be the most satisfying drink. Ever.

2. Ice cold Diet Coke comes in a close second.

3. I love my job. Yes, there are days when I want to scream at the inanity of some administration decisions, but for the most part, my daily interactions with my students are so wonderful. I had one former student contact me to thank me for teaching him so well; he said that I taught him history so well he doesn’t actually have to study for his freshman history class! I had another former student contact me, I was the only teacher he contacted, to attend a student film festival in which he had a short clip. I’d always supported his film making in my class, allowing him to complete projects on film and making sure I got his autograph for when he’s the next Steven Speilberg. I was so honored that he thought to invite me. At the film screening he smiled real big when he saw me and said, “Hello!” Some of my current 8th graders said, “We don’t want to graduate, we don’t want to leave you, can’t you come teach at the high school?” Some 7th graders said, “We want you to get your baby, but at the same time we don’t, ’cause we want you here for our 8th grade year next year!” I love my job, this I know.

What I don’t know: can I be home with my child and not miss work? Can I give up my honors classes which I probably won’t get back when I return after family leave? Can I leave my kids who I loop with, to “someone else”? Can I give up the daily joy I get from teaching? Will I be bored home with an infant? And then I panic the other way-how can I go back to work at all? How can I leave my child to be raised by someone else? Isn’t raising my kid the most important job I’ll ever have? Can we afford to have me home for awhile and pay out of pocket for health insurance?

4. My friends at work, Jenn, Andrew, Jessica, Jaime, Brian, are amazing. I truly feel like I have a “work family” with them, we are so involved with each other’s lives and so supportive of each other. Will our friendships fade away when I’m home with my kid?

5. I want a baby. So much sometimes it hurts. Today I was shopping in Target and almost started crying in the baby section. This I know. And this I don’t know: will I be a good mother? How can I ensure that my kid is happy, well-adjusted, brilliant, athletic, plays an instrument, popular, healthy? How do I actually raise an actual human from an amorphous baby to a fully functioning and functional adult? Can I really do this? My mind swirls with “I want to make sure my child…..” fill in the blank with anything from “eats only organic foods” to “is on a sports team in school” to “is involved with youth group at church”.

So, yes, I want a baby so much my arms ache, yet I’m also terrified of it, and for that, am grateful for this adoption wait; this time to truly grasp what is in front of Art and I; to truly appreciate sleeping late and lazy Sundays while I can.

6. 19 days of work left.

7. Im jonsing for a vacation. I know I just went on a cruise in March, but I’ve got the summer itch to see new places, stay in hotels, and just be somewhere else.

8. I’m so behind in my scrapbooking, it’s not even funny. I just can’t get motivated to work on pages. What’s up with that?

9. Watching Art’s desire to be a daddy is so beautiful; he’s my rock, my constant. He is going to just fall in love with our baby completely and totally the first time he holds him/her and that baby is going to wrap him around their little finger. And he will love it.

10. Will I love my child? What if I can’t feel anything? What if my heart closes down to protect myself from hurt?

11. I love my church.

12. This I know: I will not stand down. I say NO to all the crap the enemy is throwing at me, at us over the last few  years. I say NO to giving up, giving in. I say NO to despair. I say NO to resingnation. I say NO to pessimism. I say NO, you can’t knock us down or hurt this marriage. I say NO to the deaths, the infertility, the robbery, the adoption scam. I say NO.  I WILL have JOY ALWAYS.

13. I am thrilled to have off tomorrow and sleep late.

Annie

Go over and give congrats to my friend Joy who was just placed with her beautiful daughter!!!

Just around the corner from our house, cows…………

and in our front yard this afternoon:

Bunnies Rock!!

Next picture: Where can I get one of these, a push button start baby?

That’s from my retirement account’s huge “prospectus” book that came in the mail today. The cover also had this on the front…..read it carefully….

Do you see it? The, um…er…contradiction? If so, note me and call it out!

Reason I’m writing this, see below.

<—— Why I’m asking this one entry back.

I was perusing Amazon for baby books on the first year, you know, just so I have some kind of primer and know not to let my kid shove peas up her nose or her fingers in electrical sockets.

Also, I figure, those books will be helpful in making me even more neurotic, you know, when my baby reaches a milestone one week after the book says they should I can then assume they are going to end up all Rain Man-y.

But, what the heck, why not have some around so I can figure out what this eating-pooping-sleeping thing is all about.

Any recommendations? Good books that detail the first year without making one a worrying mess?

Annie

And the roller coaster goes up the incline again.

SW called with a new situation. Pbparents (potential birthparents) are in PA, baby due end of June/early July. Full Caucasain. Don’t know the gender yet.

And so we wait. SW said we’d hear in a few days to see if we were chosen.

I need some Dramimine.

Annie

Well, we got the call and the bparents did not pick us. They picked a couple in PA since they are in PA. Art and I are both relieved  (that we don’t have to rush around) and disappointed at the same time!

It’s difficult to have parenthood come so close and then vanish. But I’m focusing on what we learned here:

1. This is not our child. God already has our child picked out for us. I can rest assured in that. I relate it to when I was dating and had one failed relationship after another. I would throw an emotional tantrum “why not him? why not now?” Its was only after I met and married Art that I realized God had the right man for me picked out already and I’m GLAD I didn’t marry any of those others! So, God will send me our child in His timing; and just like being in love with Art is so right and wonderful, so will it be with my child, even I have to go through some mismatches first.

2. That Art and I can really step out in faith when we need to. Our faith has legs!

3. That we better get moving! This served as a wake up call for the both of us. We’ve been meaning to wash the baby clothes, find a pediatrician, install the car seat, finish buying what we need, etc. but kept procrastinating. This showed us that we could get an emergency placement at any time and we’d better be ready!

4. And, I’m happy for this unknown couple in PA who just became parents today. They must be so joyful and in love with their baby. I wish them the best.

5. How awesome my faves/readers are. It was like having a family all around me, waiting with me, praying, thinking about us. And how happy you are all really going to be when it does happen. As Silicon Implant said in a note, we don’t really *know* each other but it sure feels like we do; it sure feels like some form of friendship! I can’t thank you all enough for riding this roller coaster with me the last 24 hours.

Hey baby,

Well, we got a call today that we could be meeting you tonight. You are in Pennsylvania and medically healthy, that’s all we know. We don’t even know if you are a boy or a girl. Our profile is being shown to your birth parents as I write this.

I’m wondering what you look like, are you awake right now, are you happy or sad, cold or too warm? Someone will be taking you home tonight, it may be us or it may not be. Whoever gets to take you home, I hope you find a loving home and your life is filled with laughter.

Bless you little one, whatever happens, bless you.

We don’t know where you are, if you are even conceived yet. We don’t know if you are a girl or boy. We just know that we love you already and can’t wait to meet you, child of mine.